Saturday, March 13, 2010

business casual court

so after 10 months of feeling like a completely worthless human being i have finally entered the workforce. that's right i am finally working at my dream job, the liberty medical call center. i have dreamed of this moment for most of my life. i remember when i was in second grade and i would just sit in my classroom and dream about the day that i graduated from college so i could begin talking to the elderly about medicare over the phone. finally, i have arrived. but for real this job sucks. i mean don't get me wrong i'm very thankful that i finally have a job i know it's not easy to find one these days but this just isn't how i pictured my life post college. i guess i thought i'd be doing something i cared about or i'd be saving the world or something like that. i guess that just isn't always how the world works. but i don't want to be a negative person so here is a little list of positive things:
1. i have a job
2. i sleep now
3. i'm moving in june so this job is only temporary
4. this job provides me with a lot of funny stories.

funny story #1

so, i'm about to begin week 3 of my 6 week training class. the training class isn't so bad because well i'm not really working. also, the woman teaching the class is basically the whore of babylon. on the first day of the class she had us go around the room and introduce ourselves. after this was over and i realized that for once i was the normal person in the room she went ahead and filled us in on the fun details of her life. "hi i'm laura, i've been working here for seven years. i have two kids, they are my international love children. one has a father from cuba and the other one has a father from albania i guess i'm only capable of procreating with communists. i'm very happily divorced and getting remarried in a double wedding in june." wow, my mind was blown. this woman just makes inappropriate comments all day long and lets everyone know about her nightly escapades at the penny arcade which i guess is some sort of casino-ish situation. they have free food apparently though. janice, the old lady from pittsburgh, let us know just exactly what food they served throughout the week.

funny story #2

laura, the class trainer, smokes so we get a lot of breaks. i usually just stay in the room during the breaks because i don't really want to make any friends at this place. i mean i talk to the two guys that sit next to me sometimes. carlos and jeff. carlos falls asleep a lot and usually snores. jeff also plans on leaving in june. but anyway whenever these breaks happen there are a few people that kind of just sit around and talk and i've had the pleasure of overhearing some pretty awkward conversations. my favorite was the one that they had about catching their significant others cheating on them and also how they get away with cheating. one guy in there told a story about how he came home late and his girlfriend thought he was cheating on her so she came after him with a sword so then he ran in his room and grabbed his sword and they got in a sword fight. who gets in a sword fight in 2010??? who are these people? anyway i've never felt so normal in my entire life. after that whole little conversation i stood up and said "i feel like i need to cleanse my mind" and then i walked out of the room.

oh and also after the trainer went on and on about her gambling i told the casino phil story and warned the class about the dangers of gambling.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

joel marcus

dear joel marcus williams,

you have demanded that i write another blog but i have absolutely nothing to say. i'm sorry to disappoint you.

Friday, July 24, 2009

my second post... duh

bad news... i can't think of anything funny to say. my mind is full of serious things, not bad things, just serious things. that happens sometimes. i'm sure you're shocked/disappointed.

i feel like i owe you something though so here it is:

today i was having a lovely little fchat convo with one of my favorite people, aubrie vaughn aka the queen of the world. we both agreed that we hoped that michael jackson was in heaven. aubs said to me, "i would love it if when i get to heaven, right after a riveting round of how great is our God, to transition into billie jean." there it is, aubs vaughn everyone. actually, i could go on about dear old aubs for hours if you let me. she's the one who gave me the wonderful nickname, coach, which in her mind eventually evolved. it went something like coacherson-coachness-coachstina. don't even get me started on coachstina, it's my least fave, but duh. i was given the special blessing of crossing paths with good old aubstina this last weekend. it was life changing, but it really always is. she told me about a charming little establishment called "wet willies" or is it "wet willy's" i'm not really sure and it really doesn't matter. apparantely it is the one place that can fulfill all of your dreams of having a slushy mixed with a little bit of liquid sin(alcohol). obviously, i wouldn't go to a place such as this considering the fact that it would remind my of my past real bad. but those of you who are interested in playing with fire this place is not only a bar, no no, it's much more than a bar. i mean, it is a bar, but it is also a party and an institution. they even make shirts that say that. it's true, if you don't believe me you can look it up. i think a shirt like that would be a nice little souvenier for maybe a college kid on spring break. like it's one step up from an airbrushed shirt that says "daytona beach" on it. it's just something to consider.

OH! i almost forgot, ryan dau started a blog too. check it out. it's very three thousand and eight. i can't promise it will be appropriate. actually, i guarantee it will not be appropriate.

oh and i found out today that i'm not allowed to mention my place of employment in my blogs. that's too bad because i'm sure i'll have a lot of stories from that particular place. maybe i'll think of a code name for it. oh well, we'll see.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

here you go

first of all, you must know that i never had any intentions of starting a blog BUT i have like 4 myspaces, 3 facebooks, and a twitter so i figured it was only right.  i mean, i am the world wide web.  i am public domain.   the reason i am writing this though is because a couple of years ago i wrote a weekly newsletter called "the cortez chronicles."  this news letter was very successful, and by successful i mean my friends thought it was funny.  but hey, the people loved it and i need to give my fans(friends) what they want.  this will probably be the easiest way for me to revive the dearly beloved cortez chronicles.  i can't promise that it will be in any way awesome but i'll do what i can.  i don't claim to be any sort of a decent writer but strange things happen to me on almost a daily basis so i'll do my best to share these experiences with you, my fans or friends, whatever.

*expect lots of grammatical errors.  basically if it's not for a grade it's not going to look good.  i won't be capitalizing anything with the exception of God, AIDS, and NASA.